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Bill’s Bullets and Beers Closes 3 Days After Opening

NILES, IL - Bill’s Bullets and Beers, the nations only combination gun range and beer pong hall shutters its doors after opening a mere 72 hours ago. Proprietor Bill Blanchard is still reeling at the news. “Can’t blame ‘em, to be honest” Blanchard said, while sipping on a Goose Island beer, “Some folk just don’t know how to hold their liquor, especially when they’ve got a Beretta PX4 Storm in the palm of their hand.” Doomed from the start, the establishment faced what Blanchard calls “unnecessary difficulty” on obtaining his beer and gun license, protests from neighbors on the rowdiness of the clientele, and an unwillingness by law enforcement to overlook the 13 gun related injuries incurred there. “Honestly, I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t fire off a couple rounds into the air after seeing Matt Forte break off a 58 yard run” Blanchard said, adding “Besides, aren’t women of the cloth supposed to be forgiving?” in reference to the Sisters of Holy Mercy, his neighbors to the North. Niles has seen it’s fair share of bars come and go in recent months, with Bill’s Bullets and Beers being the latest in a summer that included “Shot to the Heart”, “Shoot Me Again”, and “We Will Fire Guns at You While You Get Your Beer”, all previously owned by Blanchard. Asked to comment, Niles mayor Janice Dornkowsky said “What the fuck? Why can’t we just have regular dive bars like every other town in America?”

On College Campuses, the Next Big Thing is Mace

STATE COLLEGE, PA - A growing number of students are discovering that their next high won’t come from jäger bombs, a water bong, or a box of whip its, but rather a couple sprays of mace. “It burns and hurts, but if you ride that pain it’s kinda like you’re being slashed in the face with a razor blade,” said Jared Treefor a freshman majoring in Hotel Management, “It’s awesome.” The kids discovered their newest party drug during an unruly protest against the firing of long time football coach, Joe Paterno, and since that riot roughly 7 hours ago mace is now in short supply. Carrie Bertram the owner of ‘Now You See Me…’, the region’s only 24 hour mace and pepper spray distributor, said that sales have gone through the roof. “Last night, around 3 am we got rid of our entire supply of mace. That’s almost 7 pieces! And my ex husband thought I was a fool for making this place 24 hours!” Local officials see this as just a fad, and know it will die out soon. “Come on, these kids are macing themselves in the face. Come on, there’s no way that will last” Mayor Joe said in a statement to the press, “It’s college after all. Everyone experiments in college. After all, we all grew out of our water boarding phase, didn’t we? Let it run it’s course, and it’ll turn out alright.”

OpEd - Watch Out World, Burlap is Back

by Hank Grodin, CEO Grodin Burlap

I don’t get what the big deal is about pulling your money from a bank and switching it over to a credit union. Me? I’m for it. Let’s face facts, we all know big businesses create jobs, so smaller businesses would mean less jobs. Less jobs means less money. Less money means your average Joe Consumer is going to want longer lasting goods. These are facts, and I challenge you to go to any page on Wikipedia and find me otherwise. Go ahead. Any page. Anywho, when a consumer’s looking to get a fabric that’ll last longer than a cricket farting in a breeze, where will they look? One word, two sounds: Bur-lap.

As shown by our industry leading 3 patents, Grodin Burlap has always been at the forefront of technology so we’re used to rocking the boat. But, in 2012, we’re about to take our industry and rock it more than an epileptic listening to hip-hop. Just like occupy wall street, we’re taking burlap, and putting it back on the backs of the working class. Grodin Burlap is investing almost four hundred fifteen dollars in researching and developing burlap outfits that dazzle the mind and please even the most discerning eye.

Our factories are being retooled as we speak to create innovations like burlap in different colors, sizes, and shapes. We’re not afraid of change, in fact, we embrace it. It might cost us a pretty penny in end end, and some crazy out of the box thinking - like red burlap, for example! Oh, if my father could see me now,he would rub his eyes in disbelief. But dad, this is the future,and we’re going to lead the way there. In fact, we’ve even brought in famed bag designer Monica Lewensky to do a couple rounds with our magical cloth. A woman! In the factories! Like I said, Grodin Burlap is crazy.

So go ahead, hippies and take your money out of the banks and put into credit unions and such, because when you do, I know you’ll be needing new clothes to last you years. And who’ll be supplying your brand new tight pants? Grodin Burlap. Oh, and when they day comes that you anarchists don’t trust credit unions with your hard earned cash, well guess what - Grodin Bedding and Mattresses will cut you a deal on a great place you can store your dollars.

Barnes and Noble’s “Nook” unveils to zero fanfare

NEW YORK - Barnes and Noble unveiled their newest iteration of their ebook reader, the Nook, to a comfortably seated crowd of seven in their Fifth Ave flagship store today. Boasting twice the capacity of the Amazon Fire at a fraction of the cost of Apple’s IPad, the crowd could be seen visibly yawning throughout the presentation. Brent Hasberg, Director of New Product Rollout, then touted the doubled chip speed of the device and increased RAM, over the sound of turning magazine pages and the distinctive dings of the iPhone’s text message notification. The presentation ended prematurely due to the Barnes and Noble cafe opening for business, which cost Hasberg his entire audience. After an empassioned plea to stay fell short, Hasberg spent the final 30 minutes standing next to the Nook, playing Angry Birds on his Nexus Droid. The Nook will be in Barnes and Noble stores Nov 14th.

Woman Convinced Dress Will Fit in Time for Reunion

MORTON GROVE, IL - Unwilling to take “no” for an answer, Shelley Hartford, 47, has spent the last 45 minutes trying to zip up the back of her favorite Christian Dior dress. An elegant black strapless mini, the former Homecoming Queen runner-up wore it last at her nephew’s wedding reception “7 years and three kids” ago, according to Hartford’s husband Gary. Residents of the Shoreditch Community are advised to ignore any screams originating from the Hartford house, as Shelley has vowed to “look better than that whore  Deborah [Wareman, Homecoming Queen of 1991], if it kills [her].” Overseas as part of her convent’s ministry outreach program, Sister Wareman was unavailable for comment.

If I had more tech savvy

I’d be posting all my entries for NaSkeWriMo right here. But, I don’t feel like learning how to do custom CSS inside Tumblr - aka computers scare me - so instead you get a link for your viewing pleasure.

Behold the glory of mediocrity. Let’s see how I improve as the month goes on.

http://www.naskewrimo.org/profiles/review/324

Man, between this and 750 words I’m probably never going to update this Tumblr. Dang girl, look at me write. Aren’t you impressed by my ability to press plastic buttons in front of a glowing screen? I knew you would be.

Man remains shirtless in yard

DALLAS - With the temperature soaring past 100 degrees for 27 consecutive days, Jake Schuddenber has vowed to keep his shirt off until the weather becomes bearable again. From his home on Lubbock Terrace, Mr. Schuddenber defends his shirtless-ness as a statement against the current US heatwave. “I’m just gonna sit here in my front yard, feet in this kiddie pool, day and night until the weather gets down to eighty-some degrees”, Jake said in-between swigs of garden hose water. “I’m gonna be like Gandi, fighting against this heat with some non-violent tactics.” Janice Hartzell, Schuddenber’s next door neighbor, said “Personally, I think Jake’s just using this heat wave as an excuse to show off the new tatt he got on his chest last week. But, who can blame him? That is the finest rendition of Calvin pissing on Bin Laden’s face that I’ve ever seen.” Gandi was unavailable for comment.

Kanye West reveals he can only see Gold, Diamonds, and Swag.

CHICAGO - In a shocking revelation, Kanye West has revealed due to his extravagant lifestyle his senses have lost much of their function, and are relegated to silks, gold, and fine spices. “It’s a straight up bitch”, Kanye was quoted as saying while in a bath of goat’s milk and Cetaphil lotion. “I mean, I used to straight up love deep dish Chicago pizza, but now? I can’t even taste that shit unless it’s got at least 24 Karat Gold flakes in it.” While his affliction is rare, doctors are hopeful because he’s still in the early stages of what’s being called Trumpitis. His primary care physician, Dr. Kyle Schacter, says: “We’re sure we can beat this thing. I mean, he’s only got 2 private helicopters made of Swarovski crystal, and his hair is nowhere near that weird, blond-ferret-on-the-move thing we’ve seen before. We’ve got lots of time.”